I wrote an article for Drinking Diaries today, “a place where women can spill their drinking stories–from lamp-swinging hilarity to bottle-under-the-bed despair.”
My piece is called “How to Drink Around an Ex-Drinker.” Read, read, read… spread the word, have a party!
http://www.drinkingdiaries.com/2010/09/20/4986/
“Yet that day, crawling on the floor in my own sweat, I felt so desperate that I actually considered going to the only AA meeting in town. I felt that helpless. But I also felt sure that AA would not be any different than it ever was. Even though I was terrified, in withdrawal, and feeling helpless and alone, I just could not bring myself to go to a meeting. I needed more than that“
That is an excerpt from my book. THAT is the reason I wrote the book: “I needed help, and I knew that others like me did as well.”
“I had made up my mind to do something to help myself. I was sweating and trembling and horrified, yet I became 100 percent determined that I had to do this. I was sick of all of the promises.”
In the name of love and compassion for all of you who suffer as I did with the deep emotional pain, sadness and turmoil that comes with long-term substance abuse, I am here to shed light on the notion that AA is the only road to recovery: It is not. I am proof.
Thankfully and finally, more and more free groups and affordable resources (books, websites) are appearing for those of us who want to be well but want nothing to do with Alcoholics Anonymous (other than offering alternatives). You can read my book, From Death Do I Part, for insights and for guidance with the inner healing process (and a few tips on the physical as well). The first three chapters are free on smashbooks.com. And here is a starter list of alternative website I began in a recent post (I have not personally experienced any of them but they look good): SMART Recovery, LifeRing, RationalRecovery, Women For Sobriety. Also check out Dr. Stanton Peele and Dr. Marc Kern.” For more insights into addiction, also read this best seller: In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction
In addition to print, From Death Do I Part is now available in all ebook reader formats through Smashwords.com. I’m giving away THREE ebook versions (with a small catch). The ebook will also be in the major online bookstores as they receive notice. The catch for the free download is a review — anywhere. Send me a message through my contact page telling me where you plan to leave a review (amazon, your blog, facebook, another site, local paper, church, support group) and I’ll send you a code if you’re one of the first three with an acceptable review destination. First come, first serve (but I’ll do this again in the future and might also be talked into making an exception).
Also, check out the new comments on my last post.
I was getting ready to post a new blog when I saw there were new comments on my last post—excellent comments—and decided instead to dedicate this post to those comments.
Among other notable points, Deconstructer writes: “…the US Supreme Court declared alcoholism to be “willful misconduct” rather than a disease (Turnage v Traynor).”
Joseph, another new commenter, makes several important (and deliciously well-put) points: “…the gently diplomatic way in which you’ve broached a forbidden subject shows a depth and maturity of perspective that I’ve rarely ever seen in AA or NA “old-timers”, whom I’ve suspected for a long time of having been driven mad by “The Program” and their hysterical belief in The Disease That Doesn’t Exist, which bears many resemblances to the medieval notion of demonic possession.”
I highly recommend reading both Joseph’s and Decontructer’s comments on my post (learn about unicorns), “Defending Teenagers Against the Addiction-is-a-Disease Theory,” and then go on to read a another comment from Joseph on my post, “Addiction/Disease and Happiness.“ Well said again.
It was a toss-up—should I write about Lindsay Lohan or Kelly Osborne? They are both, along with talk of their substance abuse, in a recent issue of People magazine. Kelly won due to her quotable quotes.
But first let me say this: having fallen into similar habits and rehabs myself at her age and earlier (and later) I feel for her—and Lindsay. I really do feel bad for young people who are not only struggling with addiction but are also having to struggle with the insufficient and very often detrimental treatment they are so often administered. It’s very, very sad for me to see this. But it continues.
Kelly’s quote number one: “This is a disease. I was born with it. I’ll die with it.”
Again, Kelly is a lot like me. There was a time when I was still being coached by therapists, rehabs, and AA-goers who shared that belief—that alcohol dependency is a disease—and who pushed me to believe it as well. Obviously, if you follow my writing, you know I do not accept that alcoholism is a disease. Yes, a person’s body can become dependent, but that is not a disease. And thanks to my refusal to accept that I am diseased, I do not have to spend my life under a false veil, under constant watch and fear, under shame.
Kelly’s quote number two and the reason she is willing to believe alcoholism is a disease: “I just want to be happy. Anything is better than the way it was.”
Kelly is a lot like me. Kelly is a lot like all of us. Wanting to be happy is not a disease. How we attain happiness is a process. True, it is often a misguided process, but being misguided is NOT a disease.
I rarely watch the reality show, “Dancing With the Stars,” but I happened to catch the season premier on Monday night. My favorite moment, however, was not one of a dancer dancing. It was when Ty Murray—a nine-time World Champion rodeo cowboy and Jewel’s husband—made a comment just before going onstage to dance his first dance on live TV (In front of several of his “cowboy buddies” no less).
Ty said, “I’m approaching it (his performance) like bullfighting…you’re never completely ready—it just becomes your turn.”
Well put, Ty! That’s the way it goes with so many things.
Once upon a time I participated in a “therapeutic” exercise that required each of us to climb a 30 foot high telephone pole, stand there on the small, round wooden surface the size of a plate with nothing to hold onto, and “Jump!” We were supposed to try to grab hold of the metal bar swinging out in front of us. If we missed, we fell. Of course we had a safety harness on, but let me tell you…. Number one, I NEVER want to do that again. And two, there came a point when I just had to jump. Waiting all day wasn’t going to make it any easier, and, in fact, every second I delayed my fear increased. I just had to jump.
And so it is with quitting a habit, especially a deeply addictive habit like smoking and drinking. You’re never completely ready to quit, it just becomes your turn. And then you’ve done it! All over, not so bad, good job…la te da, no big deal see? Well, the accomplishment is always HUGE, but the actual leaping part is not so difficult—once you do it.
A Joke: “A young man and a young woman had been dating for four years, and the young man wanted very much to get married. His girlfriend, however, gave no sign that she was interested in marriage.
Finally, one night, the young man decided to try to get a commitment. After a romantic meal with soft music playing in the background, he said gently, “You know, my love, my greatest desire is to have a wife.”
“That’s fine, honey,” the young woman said. “But I’d like to continue seeing you occasionally.”
So the young woman is afraid of commitments. I shy away from certain commitments too, especially ones that feel restrictive. But I make commitments with ease when I feel they are useful and hopeful and possibly even exciting and great. No problem there.
If I knew the young woman in the joke above and I thought her boyfriend was an awesome match for her, I would give her this advice— “Jane,” when you feel afraid of committing to marriage, try this: say to yourself, “I am committing to discovering how much joy and laughter I can experience with this person. I am committing to discovering what wonderful things the two of us can create together and that will fulfill us both. I am committing to discovering how much LOVE I can grow with this person.”
And if “Jane” were a problem drinker and we both agreed alcohol was a terrible match for her, I would give her the same advice. I would say— “Jane,” when you feel afraid of committing to life without alcohol, try this: say to yourself, “I am committing myself to discover the best me who has been hiding under the veil of alcohol and/or drugs. I am committing myself to discover how much health I can feel in my body. I am committing myself to discover how much joy and LOVE I can find with life.”
Forget the small stuff—commit to the bigger picture. Commit yourself to discovering/uncovering the best of life, the best of you.