Beyond Rehab

I wrote an article for Drinking Diaries today, “a place where women can spill their drinking stories–from lamp-swinging hilarity to bottle-under-the-bed despair.”

My piece is called “How to Drink Around an Ex-Drinker.” Read, read, read… spread the word, have a party!

http://www.drinkingdiaries.com/2010/09/20/4986/

Okay Dr. Phil. I know you are really trying to help. I can see that in the list you’ve made on your “Overcoming Addictions” page. And yes, I must quote you now. Number one on your list for overcoming addictions is, “Find the courage to determine what you need that you’re not getting.”

Okay. Let’s find that courage. Where should I start? Under the bed perhaps? How about in the bathroom cabinet? Or maybe it’s out back with Rover, the dog.

I find that kind of advice so irritating when it comes from claimed experts in psychology. It really makes me wonder if they have any experience at all in the particular area they are advising on.

Tell the man who kneels beside his bed to pray every morning that it would be beneficial to pray in the evening as well and you’ll have a winner. The habit is there, the change not bewildering. But tell the man who has lost touch with his sense of courage that courage is, in fact, the very thing he needs in order to find out that it’s missing and you will have a loser—provided he’s not listening to what you’re actually saying.

Dr. Phil’s kind of “phase II” addiction advice actually has the potential of having an opposite effect. In this case, decreasing a person’s courage even further when they feel they can’t even do the first step correctly.

To analyze (in par with psychologist in mention) the previously quoted statement, I’m not so sure it takes much courage to “determine what you need that you’re not getting.”  To actually go after what you’ve determined would be the courageous affair in my book. But, regardless, I will address my question. How does a person who is “not getting” what brings him courage so that he is able to quit abusing his body with alcohol or drugs find the courage to find what he is missing in order to restore his courage? (Can you see the contradiction in this airy type of advice?) What would be my advice for finding courage—if, in fact, that were the number one thing a person must do to overcome an addiction?

As with all true emotional healing—there is no instant cure. This is an area that is built upon, nurtured, strengthened, encouraged, and eventually, believed. There are many ways to work on building strength and courage. I’ve located several sites that offer techniques and courage building strategies. Take a look, because actually I do believe it’s true—courage is vital when letting go of addictions.

Conquest of Fear and the Developement of Courage by Brian Tracy (don’t get caught up in the statement, “the root source of fear is childhood conditioning.” While this may be true, it is not the important focus).

How to Build Courage by Cyd Madsen. A great first person tale about how one woman conquered agoraphobia (much in the same way I dealt with my alcohol dependency—with, as she puts it, “anger and determination that I absolutely would not go down to some strange illness that nobody seemed to understand.”

Ten Steps For tapping Into Courage by Robert Knowlton. An imagery exercise.

Brian Beane, Founder of 8th Wonder Enterprises. A very short youtube video with Brian Beane speaking on courage.

I just saw the 2008 version of The Day the Earth Stood Still. The movie involves the assumption that humans do not change until they are on the brink of destruction. That’s interesting. The same phenomenon happens to us “drunks” when we hit bottom.

It is because of that shared “phenomenon” (and several others) that I do not believe people who struggle with alcohol and drugs are diseased. I can see that those who drink and use drugs struggle with a tendency that lives in all human beings. Their struggle may be on a much deeper level, but it is nonetheless a struggle with what is a universal tendency—to resist change.

Many addicts report having “hit bottom” before they were able to grab themselves by the boot straps and turn their lives around. But that is not something that only occurs in the life and mind of an alcoholic or drug addict. That pattern—making necessary change only at the brink of destruction—happens to all sorts of people when they reach a certain level or circumstance that is so displeasing they can’t take it anymore.

On the other hand, there are people who reach the brink of destruction and do not make any changes. They die that way. Hitting bottom is not a magic cure. It often frightens people enough to make life-altering changes, but not every time.

There are also people on the planet who have a slight sense they could live better before they notice any sort of destruction in their life. This person might not be seeing any immediate results from their bad habits but has the determination to make adjustments in the present. They do not need to reach a brink of destruction. The difference between this person and the person who does not make changes and therefore dies is not disease. The difference is that one person is understanding and mastering the universal dynamics of change, the other is not.

While hitting bottom or nearing the brink of destruction has certainly been proven to wake some people up, it can also allow for irreversible damage and it does not always succeed as a method to instigate positive change.

Here is a fact: No matter when a person (or entire planet) decides to change, doing so requires effort. But I’ll tell you one thing in regards to effort and drinking. Drinking every single day, year after year, also requires effort—and a LOT of it. So again I return to my principle of self-care. What would you wish upon your most beloved? Near insurmountable obstacles, or the easier route—change while you still have a choice.

I believe that certain people who have struggled with substance abuse can have a glass of wine without a problem. But I’m probably not talking about you.

I don’t think very many people who have struggled with substance abuse have reached the level of understanding and maturity that is required to drink moderately without a problem. I’m going to brag here and say I believe I have reached that level. I say that without having actually put myself to the test, so I can’t really know for sure. But I am not convinced for myself that “One drink is too many and 1000 is never enough,” as A.A. puts it.

I know that if I reintroduce alcohol into my life and try to maintain a light drinking habit, it will be a LOT more work for me than I care to take on. The daily conversations I would need to have with myself in order to continue that moderate drinking behavior are much more than I want to tackle.

So even though I think moderate drinking is possible for a select few, I’m not interested in the challenge. But before you rush to the challenge yourself, I suggest you read this article.

The article covers the case of Audrey Kishline, the founder of Moderation Management (MM). Reading that article (and other articles on the author’s website) illuminated even more my understanding that even though successful moderate drinking is possible for me, it’s just not worth the effort. I think it’s possible to become a moderate drinker after struggling with addictions, but I do not think that most people in recovery who desire to do so are willing to do what it takes to accomplish that.