I wrote an article for Drinking Diaries today, “a place where women can spill their drinking stories–from lamp-swinging hilarity to bottle-under-the-bed despair.”
My piece is called “How to Drink Around an Ex-Drinker.” Read, read, read… spread the word, have a party!
http://www.drinkingdiaries.com/2010/09/20/4986/
“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.” Bernard Meltzer
A person who is addicted to alcohol does not need any help in accusing themselves of behaving badly. They are almost certainly doing a better job of that than any outsider ever could—they just don’t show it.
A person who is addicted to alcohol may walk around in an intoxicated state appearing to be strong, angry or proud—but that is rarely the truth of how they feel.
The truth is that, when not intoxicated, a person who is addicted to alcohol is usually experiencing deep despair. They are experiencing a lack of joy. They are almost certainly experiencing fear—often unconsciously and intensified by the mentally distorting effects of alcohol. There is usually a diminished sense of purpose or meaning. It is to save themselves from those dismal and discouraging conditions that a person will persist in drinking—not because they are disobedient to good intentions.
There are many things going on with the thoughts, feelings and emotions of an alcoholic. Bliss is not one of them.
So what can a person who cares for an addicted drinker do to help them out of their pain, fear and misery?
Most people who constantly indulge in alcohol and its intoxicating effects have great emotional sensitivities. If you approach such a person with compassion and your willingness to understand, you will have a much better chance of reaching them than if you take a “tough” and uncompromising attitude, even to the point of refusing to attempt to understand their struggles.
A person caught up in the throes of alcohol needs help in finding more joy in life, more ways of communicating and healing fears, and more ways to stir up feelings of purpose and meaning. You can even say to the drinker, “Please, can you help me understand how to help you right now?”
What you can hope for is that instead of trying to bring joy through the use of alcohol, your loved one will find the strength, inspiration, and courage to work to heal themselves.
The drinker knows their behavior is negative. In fact, they almost always feel they are bad for it. What the drinker doesn’t know is that they are beautiful.
As I flipped through a dated issue of Real Simple magazine in the hotel lobby, I paused to look over an article titled, “How to Host a Laid-Back Game Night.” I mainly focused on the pictures but I was curious—what kind of alcohol will they suggest? I was curious because, one, I still have a slightly sadistic but good-natured desire to tease myself about what I won’t be having at any given party, and two, I like to cook and entertain and really…what would go well with the chosen meal and theme?
The article advises, “Since the sweet and spicy flavors of chili and corn bread can overwhelm many beers, serve dark and malty full-bodied brews.”
I wondered if there is a non-alcoholic replacement for a “dark and malty full-bodied brew”? No, I concluded. There is not. Not only would the flavor and consistency of that particular beer be difficult if not impossible to duplicate, but so would the elevated spirits people get from the effects of alcohol as well as the lifted mood people have just prior to drinking, when they know beer will be served and there is a party coming on.
So then I wondered—if the food were tasty enough, would the “Laid-Back Game Night” party be as much fun without alcohol as it would be with alcohol? I think, yes, possibly. With the right movie stars, roller coaster rides, live bands, naked bodies, and, oh yes, great food, an equally exciting “sober” party is possible. However, it would not be the same as the party serving alcohol.
It occurred to me then, while sitting in the hotel lobby, that what would actually go best with the “sweet and spicy flavors of chili and corn bread” was not in liquid form at all. It was obvious once I thought of it. I was focusing on the wrong items of consumption. I was focusing on what food and drink would be going down my throat. But it has never been food and drink that fulfill my deepest hungers. My deepest hunger is not to consume a substance but to allow in deep feelings of joy and pleasure from life around me—in a party situation and otherwise.
I know from my own experience that allowing in feelings of joy and pleasure takes practice. It would be unusual to suddenly, by sheer declaration of desire, experience deep feelings of pleasure. But knowing that is what you desire now makes it possible to achieve. So, just like a malty, full bodied beer needs time to brew, so should you allow yourself time to taste the flavor of your new healthier habits. You can learn to be the great accompaniment to any meal (your life) with your sparkling spirit and your own unique flavor. That way you can enjoy the party too!
I never call myself an alcoholic—not in the present tense. I am discovering amazing qualities about myself that perhaps I might have discovered at a younger age had I chosen not to drink myself into oblivion every night and year after year. But even then I was much more than alcoholic. I was just mostly too numb and too sick to know it.
Now I have a need to support my growth with positive and uplifting adjectives about myself, and name calling with things such as “alcoholic” or “drunk” are not only unfactual in this moment, but those words bring me down.
I understand that it is useful for many who no longer drink to say they are an alcoholic or a drug addict. It serves as a reminder of where they should not go—even one sip of alcohol or one shot of heroin. That I can really understand. And I can admit that it would not be difficult for me to fall back into my old habit of constant intoxication if I were to allow it. But that’s my point. When I am thriving on the inner strengths and goodness of myself—supported by positive adjectives and actions—I naturally refrain from self-destructive behavior.
So what is my answer when asked, “Do you think you’re an alcoholic?”
My answer is “No.”
And another spin on a well known line from the movie Forrest Gump, “My name’s Amy. People call me Amy.”
An interesting thing happened just hours after I posted my last blog on moderate drinking. I was at a gathering of old friends I was meeting for the first time—friends of friends—so the spirit was celebratory. There was plenty of alcohol and the person going to the store was taking orders for more. “I’ll just do shots so get a bottle of….” “I like Heinekin but Amstel is good too….”
I was listening and thinking, “I wish I could say SKYY Vodka. I loved SKYY Vodka….”
And then began the hour or more of intense and aggravating self-talk so that I would not decide to drink. Not that I would have done it right there, but I could have made the decision then to drink as soon as I got home.
I thought it was interesting that after going on in my last post about the amount of work moderate drinking would be for me, I was confronted with at least an equal amount of work in order that I not drink at all.
The end of the story—and the end of my work that night—was that the husband confided in me that his wife, the hostess of the party, was a full-blown alcoholic. In fact, her last husband had died from an Alcohol related illness.
Wow. So I was having a reasonable reaction given that I was in the company of my old behavior—the excitement of drinking together was the sweet side and the husband dying of an alcoholic related disease was the poisonous side. When I connected all that, my work was done. I easily enjoyed the rest of the party.